The misconceptions of closure
Everyone experiences grief, and then you get over it – right?
This expression is so common, I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this spoken.
The other one that hurts is closure.
How do you have closure – ending, finish, termination, cessation, a conclusion with someone you loved?
While the person is no longer in this world, your relationship still exists.
The problem with this expression is to dismiss the continuing relationship with the deceased.
It is an uncomfortable thought! How to continue a relationship with a dead person? And why would you?
Relationships live on
One idea might be that there is still a lot of words and thoughts and feelings that need to be mulled over.
This person might –
- Have been the one important person in your life. Then what do you do?
- Have been a horror in your life and there are feelings that won’t go away.
- Have died by suicide and you are haunted by the last words or moments between you.
- Not be a person but your very dearly loved pet. You feel that nobody wants to listen to the stories again and again. They say ‘just get another one’.
- Have been in a same-sex relationship that was not acknowledged. Perhaps you were judged and defined as not as important as the immediate family?
These are just a few of the many ways in which we are told to move on, to get a life, not to be sad.
And really a lot of these comments are about the other person feeling uncomfortable or not knowing how to respond to the grief and sadness that you are expressing.
So what can you do about this sorrow and pain that really doesn’t want to leave you?
Speaking with others in a group can be of a great help as you see that they have survived and it gives hope that you will too.
They don’t get annoyed when you repeat yourself for the one-hundredth time. They can give practical support and helpful ways of being with your grief.
Being with your grief
I said being with your grief. Not getting over it but finding it within yourself.
Ugh, what on earth does that mean?
Grief is like a hole in the middle of you and life is squashed to the edges. It is big and heavy and dark.
Being with someone who can listen to you and hold on to your sanity while you explore what it is to live with grief.
Sometimes that is a great friend. And sometimes that is a grief and bereavement therapist. A person who can be with the loss and pain that you are in and still be ok with this.
The role of your therapist
A grief therapist can explain you are not going mad and these feelings are normal {in the world of grief} and that you can find your way.
My role as a grief therapist is to walk alongside. To listen and support this sorrow as you find your way. It is to inform, educate, and explore with your grief and loss.
Sometimes all that you need is reassurance and education about the grieving process and you are ok to find your own way. Other times you need more.
The one thing I am sure of is that everyone grieves at their own pace, in their own time and in their own way.
So, if there are questions or thoughts that I can help with, give me a call and we can talk.
If you do decide to come and see me, the first visit is about finding out if we are a good match.
Not everyone is comfortable at first and I believe that therapy is about trust, hope and a willingness to be with each other.
Thanks for reading this and listening to me.
Rose